First off, I’m not depressed. I’m in pain and can’t stop thinking about this. So I figured I’d write it down instead of keeping it as a reoccurring thought process.
I remember caring so much that every thought was that of being next to others who care just as much…. About life. Those times came frequently and often. Now, not so much.
Very few actually wanted the same kind of love and passion as I. Very few understood that what I felt was special. What I demanded of love was a necessity to the spirit of self. Never did I think that I wouldn’t ever achieve such love. Of life and relationships. Now at times, I’m doubtful. The thought of never truly acquiring a love that lasts sickens me. Never really touching the world with my talent and love hurts to the core.
Must be me.
Damn, the old its not you, its me shit again. How do you tell life some shit like that?
I sit back and evaluate myself often. Make several attempts at progressing areas that I feel I’m lacking on.
I feel I’m so far behind sometimes that It will take a miracle or me damn near having to die to gain footage on a shore that is sure enough for my comfort… I’d gladly take the latter; now. I have before. Damn near died that is… twice actually. Just trying to live normally. I guess that is what has me hesitant this go round. I’m not normal. I trust no cure or ailment outside of natural food. This pre-existing disease drains me. I hate that I lack so many basics to live comfortably. Hate the fact that I can’t even afford to take a trip to see my only son. Hate that he’s not with me. Hate that it’s attacking my hearing.
How did I even get here? I started out talking about the love of life and now I’m rambling about… Hatred.
It’s disgusting to me; that I have to rely on people for so much. People who are too busy in thier lives to truly lend me a hand up. There not to blame though. They’re doing what they’re supposed to. Living their life. I feel so broke sometimes I think I’m barely existing. This type of talk ruins many kinds of relationships. I workk at this daily and always hit some type of stumbling block… how mentally and spiritually strong can I stay when pain calls for medicine/legal dope that brings me closer to death or for food I can’t afford. By my calculations, I’d need to spend $75-$100 on food to keep myself healthy and gaining weight. I couldn’t afford that even if I was on disability. And I damn sure ain’t risking going to jail doing illegal hustles.
Why did I even write this?
Why won’t I erase it?
Because, this is my truth and I must face it. I just want people to know what I’m facing. I think employment is the answer… So that’s what I seek. This city so damn hard on men who can’t do the physical jobs though. So hard on men who have no training. And Got damn it, how the hell I have no training or certificate in Anything after all this time? I got complacent. I acquired debt. I lost my nest egg… and more shit happened I’m sick of whining about.
Sick of being sick…
Sick of not having the knowledge to gain.
I will gain though. Cause in these days I’m going all out.
By all means necessary.
And I mean… All! Any is no longer plenty. I want more. I need more! And I ain’t asking. I ain’t taking no for an answer. I’m not caring about who comes and who goes this time around.
Either those around me gone help me gain or get from around me. This makes me come of as bitter huh? And I very well may be…. Working on that too…
But I know I’d rather try by myself as I always have been than to have naysayers and non contributors in my life. Those who run when they notice how much crap I’m fixing.
And that’s the truth I never wanted to write… the truth I face.
I bless upon myself Peace. Love. Light. And to be of service to myself and my loved ones.