Alone, Not Lonely

Never had friends like I have now… I mean I had a lot of great friends and a few of them are still around. Very few. Especially after reading this.. maybe.

Growing up we never had many consistent motivators in our lives. Mentors or true guidance counselors. So we all hit the streets in our own way. Alone, yet together. Assuming and making our own rules. Education quickly became last. Even for me. Which is shocking to many. So many of us departed from each other. Making appearances in and out each other lives randomly.

Lovers became the best type of friends. At least for me.

Fast forward to now. I met a lot of successful and hard working people. The type I only read about. I swear, my present seems like a dream sometimes. Because I only dreamed of knowing these type of people. Shockingly as I meet them, they decide in the long run, that I’m not the type to be part of their circle. I learned the hard way, it’s hard to spend time with busy, successful people. Especially if you ain’t got no money to hang.

Shit, I was just getting used to these type of friends…

I’m doing my damnest to get me on a level to live comfortably and LIVE instead of merely existing.

Then, I realized. I’m happy with who I am. It’s always been a war trying to get ahead with this disease. I love me regardless of how, who feels. I know how to survive. I still know… its just not enough. Any is no longer plenty. I Need More. Damn.

I met a lover of my dreams. I’m a secret though…. No, I was a secret. I think, I’d rather be alone than feel someone is ashamed of me. Have no faith in me. Downgrade me because I’m not living up to my potential. As if I don’t know that and that denying me full access to her love will miraculously be the change I need. I learned, that was for her protection… still… that hurts.

Despite that, I found my truth in it all recently. That I’ve been fighting against so much, I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost myself fighting… Fighting pharmaceutical companies, my family trying to convince me to fight for disability, fighting sickle cell, for love, friendship and more.

I see I have to do it Alone. I forgot how I loved being by myself. I forgot how important it was to win this fight against Sickle Cell alone. I forgot that I’ve learned that there are no friends, family or lovers that will 100% be by your side to help you fight a battle you’ve been born into. And its not their fault. That’s why I became Xteele. To toughen up my psyke. I have to do this Alone. Without family, or lovers…   and without the best type of friends I thought there was to know…

Hurts just as much as my leg does sometimes. Don’t mistake me, I don’t feel anyone has treated me wrongly. It’s just hard for people to understand the many battles I’m facing. And because of that..

I feel Alone..

Not lonely.. Just Alone.

There’s a difference..

I just don’t know which one is worst..

I’m going pray…

 

 

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